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Factory Fattori | 21 Gen 2019

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PSYCORUNNER

PSYCORUNNER
Saverio Fattori
Io fondametalmente sarei un umanista fallito, insomma già dalle elementari la mia maestra mi aveva dato per negato per le materie tecnico scientifiche, ma non odio chi può vantare le altre doti, quelle logico matematiche, anzi, ho grande stima, invidia, cerco di capirne la natura, soppesare le differenze, sto molto attento alle scoperte scientifiche, specie sui social, non mi scappa nulla, sobbalzo sulla sedia tutto eccitato quando leggo certi titoli di articoli di divulgazione scientifica, manco fossi capitato su una pagina web di donne nude in bicicletta.
“I benefici psichici della corsa”

“Soli 25 minuti di camminata al giorno
possono allungare la vita di 7 anni”

Mi chiedo spesso quanto io sia inetto e inadeguato rispetto a questo mondo, mi chiedo come possano fare certe analisi o simili calcoli statistici. Eppure c’è sempre qualche università o centro di ricerca della malora che si cimenta e rende noti sbalorditivi dati a fronte di meticolose e documentate indagini su disperati runner. Questi esemplari sono tenuti segregati per anni da qualche parte in luoghi oscuri che suonano buffi, tipo l’Illinois o lo Iowa, in attesa di essere liberati verso le maratone di Boston o New York. Una volta allo stato brado molto probabilmente gareggeranno vestiti da Elvis Presley tenendo al guinzaglio bulldog francesi di razza pura.

Credo che per calcolare la faccenda dei 25 minuti in fondo non ci siano grosse difficoltà: basta catturare e separare due gemelli omozigoti fin dalla giovane età e aggregare loro due équipe di ricercatori che monitoreranno la loro intera esistenza. Il gemello X sarà costretto a una vita dissoluta, cene aziendali in ristoranti dove nemmeno i Nas oserebbero avventurarsi, televisione in camera da letto, cinturone di telecomandi, Gauloises senza filtro, barattoli da 5 cinque chili di Nutella con etichetta personalizzata, olio di palma che scorre a litri, ovunque, cornetti cererali e miele e Camogli direttamente forniti dall’autogrill Cantagallo, menumentali cene a buffet negli asian fusion dove per 9.99 euro puoi mangiare per una settimana comodamente seduto tutto quello che scorre sulla catena di montaggio, allungando mollemente la manina pallida e grassoccia verso il rullo traportatore, rutto libero ovunque, ma soprattutto… il gemello X per nessuna ragione dovrà abbandonarsi a pratiche che possano ritenersi fisiche, nulla, macchina sotto il culo anche per andare al lavoro dall’altra parte della strada, casa a un piano, nessun gradino, tappeti mobili anche per andare dal soggiorno alla cucina. La staticità in purezza, la pigrizia cronicizzata e incurabile, transaminasi e trigliceridi impazziti, pacemaker esausti rumorosissimi.
Per il gemello Y, regime alimentare vegano, yoga, tai chi, tisane disintossicanti che poi non si sa cosa dovrebbero purificare vista la perfezione organica, vacanze in resort svizzeri e soprattuto, soprattutto, questi stramaledetti venticinque minuti di camminata sulla ciclabile del lungo lago a passo controllato, nè a passi veloci, tali da alterare l’equilibrio cosmico, nè troppo lenti e inutili.
E quando l’esemplare Xtirerà le cuoia, tutta l’équipe sciantifica al seguito chiuderà il report, si unirà all’équipe Y,e insieme seguiranno attentamente gli ultimi sette anni del gemello più sano e più infelice, caduto in uno stato di paranoia estrema, visto che non esiste creatura più sventurata di quella che conosce la data della propria morte.
Ma per quanto riguarda la certificazione dei fantomaticiBenefici psichici della corsa,campo minato, cola faccenda si complica maledettamente… spesso si delineano forme di fissità del pensiero quantomeno bizzarre anche se non sempre patologiche o di rilevanza penale. Gli sportivi, come noto, e i podisti in particolare, i più sportivi tra gli sportivi ( moooolto più “sportivi” degli odiatissimi e viziatissimi calciatori), passano per essere più focosi a letto e produttivi nel lavoro, almeno a giudicare dalla carrettata di articoletti che troviamo sul nostro conto. Non so se le équipe XYhanno svolto ricerche e soprattutto verifiche oggettive in questo campo.
Io a volte quando penso agli ultrarunner più estremi, quelli per i quali la maratona è ormai un corto veloce, penso a un pornostar che fa encomiabili amplessi interminabili, ore ore a far l’amore, incessantemente, ma con una dotazione minuscola.

 

 

 

Ma a volte, non sempre

 

Sai che negli Stati Uniti…quante frasi iniziano così, come se questo dovesse deporre a favore dell’enunciato che segue, per me lo invece lo svuotano di senso, Sai che negli Stati Uniti ai colloqui di lavoro nella scelta privilegiano gli sportivi? Parti da un punteggio più alto.Non lo escludo, da quelle parti, il mito del self made man e quello che ne segue… sta di fatto che in Italy oggi anche per avere un posto di lavoro orrendo potrai essere pure campione olimpico, ma se non hai almeno uno zio o cugino al posto giusto non se ne fa nulla.
E non è forse “malato” essere particolarmente produttivi sul posto di lavoro? Formiche impazzite nel mito del nasci produci crepa, esseri sgambettanti poco adatti alla riflessione e all’ozio creativo, ogni sforzo deve avere una resa, un piazzamento, un pacco gara, un trancio di suino, una medaglia appositamente coniata. Nessuna dispersione, solo trasformazione. Del runner non si butta via nulla. 
Nella foto l’attore  Claudio Misculin   della compagnia Accademia della follia 
Articolo già uscito sulla rivista Correre 

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